Love Lives On

Date: 26.07.2008

Keywords: Lives, On, Love,

Pages:
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Jamie sat in the bar alone at a table in the middle of the room. The numbness took over in a couple of hours.

When Julia sat down beside him and spoke, he just cried. Her words were clear and echoed in his mind, "Jamie, go home and take care of our daughter."

His mind was too foggy to ask all the questions he needed answers to. And, she was gone as quickly as she appeared. It took effort for him to lift his arm and wave for the waitress. He forced the coffee down.

When Jamie stood, he knocked over his chair. A man met him at the door and said he was driving Jamie home. Neither man spoke on the twenty-minute drive to the stone house on the hill. The fist gripped his heart and squeezed as it came into view; the numbness gave way to the pain.

Katie came running out of the front door before he had the truck door closed.

"Daddy! Daddy! Grandma says I'm going to live at her house! Please don't make me go, daddy!"

Katie wrapped her body around his, clinging tightly, near tears. Jamie picked up his six-year-old daughter and shushed her as he walked towards the house.

In fifteen steps, Jamie's incredible pain turned to a raging anger. Once inside, he sat Katie down at the foot of the stairs, "Baby girl, go upstairs to your room. I need to talk to your Grandma. I'll be up in a few minutes."

Katie's chin was quivering; but she made a slow ascent towards her bedroom. Jamie waited until he heard her door close before he walked to the kitchen.

He stopped two steps outside of that room. That room where she left them. The scene replayed in his mind for the one-thousandth time.

Jamie had his coffee and was sitting at the kitchen table. Katie was half eating and half rearranging the scrambled eggs on her plate. Julia was bare-footed and still in her gown. It was long and white and thin enough that he could see the outline of the body he loved to touch.

They'd made love that morning before Katie woke up. And, Julia was humming; she had that smile she had on the mornings when he woke her up, caressing her and kissing her.

Time stood still between the moments when he heard the milk splash and when he saw the look on Katie's face. He turned and saw Julia there on the floor, silent, still.

He knew he'd tried CPR. He knew he'd yelled at his daughter to get the phone. He knew the paramedics kept doing CPR for his benefit. He remembered how one looked at the other and shook his head as they put her onto the stretcher. It was the same moment he knew she was gone.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before the ER doctor pulled up a chair across from him, explained something about the anatomy of the heart, used a lot of words Jamie's brain couldn't process in that moment and said how sorry he was. Jamie already knew. He just nodded. He didn't cry. He didn't scream.

He walked out to the waiting room, got on one knee and told their daughter, "Mommy's gone to heaven, sweetheart. She won't be able to come home with us. Grandma is going to take you home."

He didn't look at his mother in law. He didn't watch for his daughter's reaction; he didn't give Katie time to begin her normal barrage of questions. He stood up and walked the twelve miles to the bar. There was nothing left to say. There was nothing left to do. There was nothing.

His mother in law threatened to call the police when he silently but forcefully escorted her out the front door and turned the lock. He knew the stories of Julia's childhood; and his only reason to be civil to the woman had just died.

Three weeks after the funeral she threatened to take him to court for custody. Jamie heard from people that she had talked to a lawyer. And, the lawyer told her she didn't have a snowball's chance in hell.

"Jamie, honey," his sister in law Jenny's loud, persistent voice pulled him back to the present, "Katie wants to take flowers to her mom's grave." She paused, obviously trying to gauge the look on his face, then continued, "Do you want to take her or should I?"

It had been a year since he walked into his daughter's room, sat on her bed, pulled her into his arms, buried his face in her hair and cried.

Katie had cried with him for a while. He was still sobbing when she reached up, touched his face and said, "Daddy, we'll be okay." It was the moment Julia's words hit home; and he remembered that he had to take care of their daughter.

Life went on. He went back to work. Katie went back to school. They survived birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

They ate cereal for breakfast; and he made sure to be home in time to eat supper with her. He smiled when she talked about her day, held her when she missed her mom and helped her with her homework.

It was the little, surprising things that got to her and to him. For him, it was the way she played with her hair when she was nervous. She was Julia's little girl in those moments. For her, it was when they had to go to the store to buy her Halloween costume and when he brought home Christmas cookies that someone else had baked.

Julia had made her life caring for them. She had exactly what she wanted: a home, a husband and a child. She wasn't perfect; but it was hard to remember that.

He stood back as Katie put the daisies on the cold stone. She picked them because they were her mom's favorite flowers. She whispered what she had to say; and Jamie didn't try to hear.

His mind wandered back to the day they buried Julia's grandmother. They'd been married for two years; and they were trying to get pregnant. She'd turned to him and said, "When I die, I want you to put 'Love Lives On' on my headstone."

He remembered being taken back for a moment, then laughing and explaining the statistics that proved she'd bury him one day. He teased her on the way home about the cruises she'd take when she was the merry widow.

But, there it was.

Julia Renee Taylor. Beloved wife and mother. Love Lives On.

The funeral director had accepted his request with the calm empathy that was his professional manner. Jamie wasn't sure how he remembered; but he did.

Jamie took Katie's hand as they walked back to his truck. He took her for ice cream; and they went home.

The room was dark; and he was lying on his side of their bed when he decided it was time for him to talk to her.

"Jules..." he waited, in his mind he wanted to give her time to come close enough to hear, "I did what you asked me to do. I've been trying my best to take care of her. I'm not as good at it as you were. I swear I am doing my best. I still can't understand why you left us. I need you. Katie needs you. I don't know how much longer I can do this. How am I supposed to raise her alone? She needs her mom."

He covered his eyes with one hand and cried. He didn't want her to see him crying.

Jamie was discussing a set of blueprints with one of his employees when his secretary interrupted the conversation. Work was his only peace. But, the look on Linda's face frightened him.

"Jamie, there's a phone call you need to take," Linda was pale; and her voice was too small.

Jamie ran two red lights and stop sign on his way to the ER. When the clerk started searching a computerized list too slowly for his patience, Jamie walked past her and the no entry sign into the ER and demanded to know where his daughter was.

Katie heard him, as his voice reverberated off the walls, "Daddy! I'm in here!"

Jamie ran smack into the nurse as she exited and he entered Katie's room. He stood still for a second before he realized he'd knocked the woman to the floor.

She looked a little stunned but accepted his hand to get back to her feet. She was bent down gathering papers off of the floor when he began his embarrassed apology.

He was grateful when she just laughed, smacked herself on the ass and said, "That's why I have this extra padding. You get knocked on your rear end a lot around this place."

He didn't see a lot of extra padding; but he appreciated her smile and pat on the arm as she resumed her course out the door.

Katie was proud of the bright pink cast on her left arm. She explained to him, step by step, why hanging upside from the monkey bars by your knees was fine but by your feet was a bad idea.

They stayed the night in the hospital. The doctor told Jamie how the fall had left Katie unconscious; and he would be more comfortable watching her overnight. Jamie agreed and felt sick again, thinking of her lying on the ground like that.

Jamie sat up in the recliner beside Katie's bed for most of the night. Katie reveled for a few hours in the excitement of the new place and the new people. She was Julia's kid in those moments; and he had to pull himself back and let her be that.

People gravitated to her, answered her questions, let her into their hearts almost instantly. She had a sincere interest in everything they had to say. Jamie bit his tongue and did his best to stop his desire to protect her from all outsiders, from any potential threat.

Katie had fallen asleep early, her enthusiasm giving way to a pain pill and sheer exhaustion. The television was on; but Jamie mostly watched her sleep. The pink cast was propped up on a pillow; and her mouth was open just a little. Her long, wild curls covered the pillow and half of her face, seeming too much for any little girl. She got those from her mom, too.

Julia had said, "Oh no, poor girl, she got my hair." He'd smiled and said, "She's definitely got your hair."

He wasn't sure how many times the nurses came to look in on her, whispering hello to him and leaving again. They seemed nice enough. Only one very friendly one annoyed him. He nodded towards Katie and whispered he'd talk to her in the morning. She'd looked embarrassed and left quickly. He still wore his wedding band. He didn't appreciate women who flirted with him now; it only seemed like an insult to his wife.

He turned the TV off; and the only light crept in from beneath the door to the corridor. When sleep finally came, he was in college.

Pages:
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Keywords: Lives, On, Love,


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